i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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