: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
