last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
