I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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