It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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