my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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