woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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