i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
