He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
