Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
