my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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