the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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