dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
