i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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