im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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