i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
