my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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