im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize