If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
