PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
