i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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