toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
