the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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