im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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