then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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