Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
