2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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