I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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