Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
