my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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