now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
