I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
