If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
