I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
