that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
