Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
