Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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