Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
