hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
