yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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