I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
