so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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