Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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