i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize