I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
