this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
