I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
