I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
