currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
