So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
