I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
