My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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