i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
