First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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