I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
