he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
