It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
