Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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