Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you win again, gameday.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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