she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
