I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
