Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
