Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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