When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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