fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize