Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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