Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
