Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
