i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
