Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just had sex on a roof
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
